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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, tootsie.
Getting Into Something 16-Oct-2004 06.42 a.m.
Wow, who knew that having a website could be so utterly depressing? I have been almost reprimanding myself for a day for having my real name attached to this thing. Sweet Jesus. You'd think I was sitting around typing some sordid, twisted shit.
I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this way after creating a website. I suspect not, but I could be wrong. Maybe it is just the circumstances of my life that are creating this temporary weirdness. Pain can make you feel like a holiday freak. It sort of separates you from everything, creating a wall around you where other people's apologies for the way you ache seep through the cracks and sound almost patronizing. You want to scream, "You have no fucking idea!" but the truth is, how could they know unless they experienced it? And you don't wish that on them or anyone.
I think the fact that I have spent the last however many years trying to fight off something I do not know how to cure has left me a bit edgy. I don't take painkillers or any other medicine. I used to be terrified of how bad the pain could get. What if it got so severe that I couldn't tolerate it? Could it kill me? I don't fight it anymore, which makes it fuck off much sooner, and I refuse to fear it. But years of pain can leave you on high alert. It takes you out of the world, and when you try to get back into it, everything feels strange. That's how I feel.
Anyway, everything is fine. I have noticed that things always calm the hell down eventually. And soon I won't feel weird anymore about having my name on these pages. And soon I will have a book of short stories published. And soon I will never feel worthless. And soon I will take those Italian lessons. And soon I will buy my first new car. And soon I will replace my long-expired library card. And soon I will crack open my new telescope and gaze upon the moon with tears in my eyes and a lifetime of hope in my heart. And soon I will know the meaning of holding out for the right moment. And soon I will remember that you are flawed and human and never meant to hurt me. And soon I won't scan my mind for something to feel bad about. And soon I will learn to smile at people without needing them to smile back. And soon I will undo the things that are tied too tightly. And soon I will let it all go. And soon I will learn to breathe deeply without having to remind myself a hundred times every hour.
More than I want to be happy, I want to be content. Contentment seems to be a foundation of sorts. I don't know. Happiness is never constant, and I would not want it to be. I quite enjoy the contrast of the ups and downs of life. But to always be content, that is where the good stuff resides. To never need more than you have. Man, I could live with that.
Quote From My World
"When I picture someone fucking off, I don't picture them skipping." -The Lovely Bea
In other news, my cat Sid just pooped and it smells like the devil is here for a visit. The stench just wafted in lightly, kind of the way a prom queen might flit past an open doorway in the whimsical delight of it all. Matches really can be a girl's best friend.
Thanks for reading. I feel better now that I typed it out of my head. Something like a million years ago a friend said to me, "If you can't get out of it, get into it." That's what I am doing, in more ways than fifty. Thanks for that.
Linda
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