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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, buttercup.
Toasted Cheese 19-Oct-2004 05:05 a.m.
Yeah, people will suck the lifeblood out of you if you let them, so why let them? I have no idea why I typed that. Is someone currently sucking my blood? Probably. Everyone wants your thunder, so why not your blood?
That's too cynical for five in the morning. Everyone loves you and wants the very best for you in this life. OK, that's too nuts for five in the morning. So, what is it? Some people don't care at all about your happiness, some care a great deal, and the rest are at a Britney Spears concert somewhere, even if there isn't one.
You just can't make someone care about you. Isn't that shitty? They either do or they don't. I used to try to make people like me, but that's like trying to talk your car into flying you to England for the weekend—wings, peanuts, and all. But I tried it anyway. As soon as I found out someone thought something unfortunate about me, I zoned in on them and made it my mission to see to it they ended up completely dizzy with adoration. Yeah, they just kept on not liking me.
People decide not to like you based on their subjective view of you. It really has nothing to do with you, unless you're a bastard or something. It took me a long time to figure that out. They also make the decision to like you based on the same subjective view. Weird, yes? You could be a perfectly lovely person, and someone out there might think you suck. You could be a monster turd and someone might be your biggest fan. I know plenty of assholes who are well liked.
I just try to be myself every minute of the day, because who the hell else am I going to be? That's why I am finding it so important to like who I am, because if I don't I'll be more inclined to imagine I am someone else just to get through the day. I spent a great deal of time doing that, or living in the future imagining what I would become. It's amazing how much taller I was going to be, and how my nose was going to magically shrink to one of those cutesy little button noses, and how my eyes would become a freakishly beautiful green that people would find mesmerizing next to my naturally dark complexion. But even if I possessed those things, that would not be me. I'd be the girl inside, like I am now.
So, I'm done with trying to make anybody like me. It doesn't work, because it's up to them. Being fearful of what others are going to think of me is a waste of time, because no matter what I do, they are going to think whatever they think. I try to remember that a million times a day. It makes me feel better.
Liking myself is slowly getting easier. I just have to remember I am human, like everyone else.
Quote From My World
"I feel like everyone thinks you're fascinating and I'm just the dipshit with the purse."
I want a grilled cheese sandwich. I just smelled one! How does that work, the smelling of foods that are not currently in my house? My mom makes delicious toasted cheese sandwiches. Maybe she will come over and make one for me.
I wonder whether the original Pippi Longstocking movies will ever be released on DVD. I had the stomach flu practically every time they aired those beauts, but I remember them fondly anyway. I wonder when I'll be able to eat bread without bloating like a holiday pig. Oh, the things I wonder.
Linda
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