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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, my darling wildebeest.
Digging Up Roots On La Cienega Blvd. 17-Feb-2005 2:15 p.m.
The other night as I was walking from the car to the office building where I go for hypnotherapy, a woman was walking out of the building in my direction. She glanced at me briefly, aloofly, and averted her eyes toward the gold at the end of the rainbow, which I guess was somewhere in the parking lot. She seemed to be unable to tear her eyes from something glorious there. But I know that wasn't the case. The parking lot was simply far less intimidating than the thought of looking into a stranger's eyes.
And I'm not blaming her for not looking at me as we passed each other or for adopting an unapproachable countenance; after all, I'm another person in the world and therefore potentially armed with enough judgments and evil glances to knock any other unsuspecting person flat on their bum. Believe me, I am all too familiar with the feeling of apprehension when it comes to meeting someone else's gaze.
I can usually talk myself into believing I'm the most insecure person on the planet. I construct a picture of you that is shimmering and vibrant; utterly dauntless and unshakeable. And then I hold up the picture of myself I have drawn with worn-down crayons—the lifeless, ashen shades, because the vivid, radiant colours were used up—and compared to your picture I look lusterless and uninspired. But slowly I am coming to realize there is no truth in that assessment of myself.
The truth is, the difference between us is not that great. I realize the way I have been seeing myself for ages is distorted. An old friend said to me years ago after I made a belittling remark about myself, "Here's the truth about you," he said, pointing to one spot on the table, "and here's what you think of yourself, waayy over here on La Cienega," pointing to a spot on the opposite side of the table. But lately I have been paying closer attention to what goes on around me, and I have found we all have insecurities; we just have different ways of expressing them.
For some people, it shows itself through shyness and passivity, and for others, through constant talking or aggression. The act of being pretentious and affected seems to stem from an uncertain sense of self. Guess what assholes are? Insecure. A conceited person is simply disguising their lack of confidence; well-adjusted people have healthy opinions of themselves which don't fall over the edge of proper perspective.
The events on which we place importance can also show our insecurities. Let's say unknown writer Gwendolyn Tarquist wrote a short story, featured it on her website, and then received praise from another writer. That would be lovely. But the writer from whom she received praise—Mary Slapperton—was not a famous writer. She was relatively unknown, so to Gwendolyn, it wasn't all that exciting. She thanked her halfheartedly, wishing for real success. But later Gwendolyn received a nod from Grant Beaumont, a well-known and respected author. She nearly exploded from the excitement of it all, because surely being acknowledged by Mr. Beaumont was more important than anything Mary had to offer in the way of praise. And that shows Gwendolyn's rather robust lack of confidence.
I know a man who becomes enraged when someone cuts him off in traffic, and it isn't because the person has just endangered his life (and the life of anyone else in the car); it's the fact he believes the offensive driver is thinking ha ha! I'm better than you! His opinion of himself is low, and he is fairly certain everyone else knows it and treats him accordingly.
Every day someone tries to befriend someone else, and they are rejected because they're not deemed good enough. And that shows the lack of confidence in the rejecting party to think for themselves. The inability to praise others originates in insecurity, as does much rude behaviour and coldness.
Insecurities are everywhere, yet the majority of people would have you think they are right as rain when it comes to their opinions of themselves. It seems to be regarded as a weakness, something embarrassing and best left ignored or camouflaged. But I find nothing positive in covering up feelings. Those feelings become larger and more demanding the longer they are squelched, and you'll have to come up with new and exciting ways of trying to convince the rest of the world you're tip-top and shiny perfect.
We're all human, with varying degrees of confidence, which can waver on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. It's hard not to depend on each other for that ego boost—most of us do it. We look to each other for praise instead of getting to know ourselves, being honest, accepting ourselves, and working through our troubled thoughts with compassion and understanding, as we might do for a cherished friend. But we often opt to just hang around our lives like we're not part of the picture, standing there all blue and missing the point.
So, we're not so different in that way. And I'm planning to incorporate some different colours into the picture I see of myself. Lavender, for the quiet way I watch the world. Midnight blue for the wonder of the night sky inside my heart. Red violet for my passionate nature. Maroon for my courage, and blue for my strength. Orange for the friendly warmth I exude, aquamarine for my clarity. Forest green and copper for my love of nature, and yellow for my ability to keep hoping.
I should really mention my dream job before I go. My dream job would be to provide drag queens with their ultra-sassy names. Drag queens could call me from all over the world, and for a small fee, I would ask them some questions, giving me a feel for their personalities. And then I might come up with a name on the spot, or I may have to ponder a bit and call them back, but either way, they will hear their glittery new name for the first time from my mouth. Their name will also be mailed on a stunning certificate with gold letters elaborately handwritten by our staff calligrapher, Ms. Venda Ruttgaller. Also, since I believe everyone has an inner drag queen, I would do this, again for a small fee, for anyone, regardless of their current drag queen status. I feel very happy to have made this declaration.
I think we're going to watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" this evening. My Love is sick with a cold, and if anything can lessen the symptoms, that would be it.
Quote From My World
"Sometimes you just feel like not having anybody on your legs."
Well, I'm off to sew a pretty sundress for my iPod mini. Yeah, those skins they sell have nothing on the getups I've been putting together. Yesterday I made a little iPod wetsuit, for when we swim together. And you should see the hoop skirt—precious.
Thanks for reading.
Linda
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