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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, my darling squid.
Preventing Satanic Influence, And Other Treats 24-May-2005 1:27 a.m.
Man, do I feel exciting. Really. Sparks are flying off me, and just now, I fascinated myself (while fully clothed). The truth is, I feel uninspired and rather listless. Listless should actually mean without list, but it doesn't. Truly, I am always with list. Here's one now.
A List Of Ten Things I Would Like To Say At Some Point To Whomever It Concerns, Preferably Whilst Wearing A Totally Awesome Pair Of Pants Similar To The Ones Franka Potente Wore In Run Lola Run by Joyce T. Baldo (my stunning alter ego)
The updates have been sporadic because I haven't been feeling great. Or even good, come to think of it. But mother of all things Nelly, I am alive, so that rocks the Casbah, even if it isn't the regular sort of rocking with gusto to which the Casbah has become accustomed. I find that the Casbah isn't terribly needy or demanding, which is always nice. Indeed, it is simply happy to be rocked, whether it be the gentle rocking similar to that of a baby being swayed back and forth in her mother's arms, or that of the earth-rumbling variety, which makes you grab hold of your boobs for fear of watching them fly off into the night like bulky, fleshy bats. What the hell am I talking about? Anyway, I plan to update more frequently. It's good for me. Even better for me than cake, and that is the only time you will hear me say anything blasphemous. Ever.
I have officially entered the healing process, for the first time in all these years. I see changes in myself that are glorious; little glimpses of who I really am. I am pretty fucking fabulous. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you probably don't realize how fucking fabulous you are yet. It's crazy how painful it is to heal. You move forward a bit, then back. You retrace. But you never go back to the start, which is nice. I am just going to keep moving through it all until I get there. I think there are fresh cupcakes on the other side. Hells yeah.
The other day in the shower I had a childhood memory while looking up at the ceiling heater (which, sadly, isn't in working order). I have always enjoyed my time alone in the bathroom. It is a place where I can be completely by myself and private, and I love that. When I was a little girl, I would sit on the toilet and daydream. Sometimes I would make up songs and stories. And because I would linger so long on my throne, someone would inevitably call my name, most likely wondering where I was.
"Liiiiindaaaa?!"
"I'm busy!"
That was my stock answer, the fact being that I was indeed busy. My favourite thing to imagine in the bathroom was the little round Italian chef who was always happily making pizza pies in the pizza parlour, which existed above the ceiling. The circular ceiling heater was really a swinging door, which he would often open and peek his head in to say, "Your pizza pie is-a almost a-ready, Linda." His cartoon body was small enough to fit through the little round doorway, even though he snacked on pizza all day long. I liked listening to him sing his happy songs. Sometimes the pizzas he would make for me would be so big he would have to fold them a little to get them through the doorway. To this day I have never had a better pizza.
"Linda?! Liindaa!"
"I'm busy!"
Sometimes dinner would just have to wait, especially if I happened to be trying to coax a fairy out from behind the built-in hamper. There was a dark space back there that could be seen if you looked to the left in the cabinet under the sink. They lived in there, you know. I never once doubted their existence and really wanted to meet one. I looked for fairies for years, sometimes leaving little bits of food for them. I didn't know what they liked to eat, so I tried to imagine. Sometimes I would leave small treasures for them, like a ring or a seashell, but they never ate the food or took the treasures. I figured they were shy.
I still enjoy my bathroom time, let me tell you. One day I hope to have an enormous loo all to myself—my very own sanctuary. I think I will paint it pale blue and have a claw-foot tub, vintage cabinets and my old vanity table. Man, I could really write some Loo notes in that beauty.
People look up the weirdest shit in the world, and for some reason, this activity brings them to my website. I am proud and honoured, and at times, sickened. Enjoy.
girl belches Why there does not currently exist an online audio museum of girl belches is beyond me. Thank you for looking this up, cherub.
girl farts Clearly the same person with the same issues. This is most likely a guy who is checking to see if the sex change operation is going to be worth it. "Will I still belch? Will I still fart? I hope, I hope."
cut off my nails Absolutely not. I am not your manicurist. I do, however, encourage you to cut off those talons, because short nails are the tits. Also, never sleep with your manicurist, especially after you've just spotted Elvira in full costume dining a few tables over.
I love my eyebrows I love mine too! Let's start a cult.
linda farted Sadly, it's true. But she didn't mean to; it was an accident. You can read all about it here if you haven't already.
funbuns arizona Lovely town just outside of Mesa. Sedona is where you go for spiritual enlightenment, and Funbuns is where you go for starch.
the first loo Oh, nobody forgets their first loo. My first loo from February 2004: "The human body is covered in butt cheeks, if you know where to look."
people who have insecurities That would be everyone you've ever met and will ever meet. Everyone you've ever seen, in person, on television, on the big screen, in a newspaper, in a magazine, in a skyscraper, in a limousine. You get the idea.
preventing satanic influence is impossible. I'm sorry, but the devil is in the details, and the details are woven tightly into the fabric, and that dress you're wearing, well, every stitch of thread is a textile serpent waiting to tempt you into the fiery pits of hell. But that's not all! The devil is also in the pudding. Sure, you thought all these years that the pudding was where the truth resided, but no; Satan made that up to lure you into the figgy goodness, the chocolate decadence, the butterscotch lusciousness, the vanilla enchantment, the ever-beguiling spotted dick. Spotted dick!
wow shinbones Everyone loves something, I guess. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I Google wow cake. If I'm feeling really frisky, I type in wow wigs. It's all so exciting.
sexy midget women You rang?
fannie flagg tits This crosses a serious line. It's probably the same cad who looked up carol burnett tits a while back. Probably has a blowup doll he refers to as Fannie for the first part of the week and Carol for the second half. In a perfect world, both Fannie and Carol would show up at his residence with hatpins.
"cellulite ass" Please refer to the princess with the salad namesake.
34c tit Try eBay. I have seen a few assorted single breasts of that size up for auction here and there. Good luck.
girl feet room I am still in the process of deciphering this. Hang on a minute while I Google that query. Well, that didn't provide any answers. I am going to pretend it's the name of a band whose music I'm sure I would really, really dislike. Maybe the band's name is Girl Feet and the album title is Room. That makes more sense. I'm seeing this really cool picture of a room for the album cover. Now I kind of want to hear the album.
jaclyn smith recipes I hear she's delicious with curry!
doing yard work naked & women doing yard work naked Maybe it's a new sport. I don't really know what to say. It started with sexy women doing yard work and has somehow evolved into a naked activity. The first person's query didn't specify which gender, so I will assume they were bisexual and simply hoping to look at photos of any naked person with a hoe.
things you know when you're a drama geek You know you're going to hang out at Denny's with your drama geek friends as often as possible.
girl with a pad bulge This is the sequel to Girl With The Pearl Earring.
"like to swear" You know it, motherfucker.
"religion and hormones" ruin everything. That's my motto, toots.
Quote From My World
"Oh nooooo! Damaged hat! Damaged hat!"
"Ok, now you know it's time for you to go to bed."
Well, I'm off to get in a little naked yard work while it's dark. I wonder if it still counts if no one can see you. Let's hope. Thanks for reading. Have some fun today!
Linda
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