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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, you leg pervert.
Come Fly With Me 25-June-2005 10:02 a.m.
Have I ever mentioned how freakishly strong I am? I don't think I have. I'm like Bam-Bam - no kidding. But only when I focus on it. When I moved out of my parents' home a hundred years back, they gave me the antique upright player piano on which I had started writing songs so long ago. It weighs a ton. Not literally, but it's heavier than a dead whale wearing a wet denim coat. One day I wanted to lift it to place beneath the rollers these special piano coasters that would keep the wood floor from being scratched in the event that I needed to move the piano. The Lovely Bea was here with my mom—a couple of strong ladies indeed—and both insisted that they lift together while I perform the precious little job of tucking each coaster under its prospective wheel when the corners were raised. I was omitted from the lifting team before the whole operation was under way because of the pain I experience; no one wanted me to hurt myself and suffer more. I understood that. But these rockin' dames couldn't lift the piano.
After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to try my little magic trick.
When I was a kid I always flew in my dreams, and the flying was effortless. But as I got older and had more frustration in my life, I had to teach myself in my dreams how to get back up in the air. I remember relearning that in a series of dreams I had while still living at home. I realized I had to use my mind to get off the ground and stay afloat, and I had to pull back without really trying. It was difficult at first because of the tendency to want to tense up and really try to do whatever it is you're wanting to accomplish. But as soon as I learned to relax and trust that it would happen, I was up in the air again.
Remaining in the air and climbing higher required a strong desire to fly and a lack of limiting thoughts. As soon as a negative thought entered my mind, such as I think I might fall, I would sink back down again. Forcing the process or doubting it only hindered my progress. I had to let it happen and want it to happen. And I had to believe it would happen.
After much practice, I once again fly like a pro in my dreams, but it still isn't the effortless flying of my childhood. Maybe I had more faith then. My ability to soar was never in question; I simply flew because I did. But I'm glad I had to relearn it and incorporate new ways of getting up there, because it has enabled me to apply that way of thinking to the tasks I perform in my waking life, like lifting pianos.
So, as I said, I decided to try a little magic to get the piano off the ground.
"Step aside, ladies."
I relaxed my body as if I were merely going to lift a kitten. You know how you tense up when you're about to lift something heavy? Have you ever gone to pick up a half gallon carton of milk, thinking it was going be pretty full but it was almost empty, and once you lifted it your arm kind of went flying because the tension in your body anticipated a heavier weight? You have to let that go, that tension and anticipation, all the while believing you will lift without difficulty whatever's on the menu that day. That idea might sound loopy, but I lifted that piano four times that day with ease, by myself; all 62 inches of me. (I really shouldn't gloat over the size of my penis like that. Nobody likes a gloater [unless she has a 62 inch penis]. I'll stop now.)
Anyway, it's a handy little magic trick and can be applied to much more than just lifting stuff. It's like challenging instincts that could use some improvement. When someone picks a fight with you by saying something shitty, your first instinct is probably to say something shitty back, to hurt them like they hurt you. And if you fling an insult in their direction, they are going to fling one back, and you back at them, and they back at you until a ball of chaotic energy is created between and around you both, which, if you could see it, would probably resemble one of those cartoon fights where two dueling characters get swooped up in a rapidly swirling ball of confusion. But you can disarm the other person by not participating. Their hectic energy won't have your hectic energy to play with, so it won't be any fun.
Or you could just tell them you don't want to fight with them and invite them over to go skinny-dipping. Sometimes that works too. Sweet God of succulent peaches, I love skinny-dipping.
People look for the weirdest stuff online, and sometimes it leads them here. I can't seem to stop enjoying this lunacy, so I'll just forge ahead because it brings me a bit of joy and keeps my knickers from bunching.
Here we go.
am i going to hell for showing a friend Yes.
rocker recliner rug placement I suppose you could drape it over the back of the chair, but underneath the bloody thing sounds more like it. Rug placement is the easy part; the hard part is figuring out how to sit in the chair. Good luck.
midget women doing head That's inspirational. Thank you, winner.
paul newman washing face For a limited time, in certain packages of Paul and his daughter Nell's organic foods there is a photo postcard of Paul Newman performing one of six mundane tasks around the house. The face-washing card is the rarest in the series, as they printed less of those than the five others. My personal favourite is the one where he's setting the timer on his stove so he doesn't over-steep his tea.
my throat hurts what should i do Punctuate. Then gargle with warm salt water.
i have a sexy keyboard and i know it! You know, it's joyful exclamations like this that make me realize how much life is worth living. Does yours light up and look like a swimming pool? Mine does!
I didn't know when I bought it that it had that feature; I chose it because the keys are silent like laptop keys. I don't really think it's sexy, though. I just think it's neat.
moving dicks You'll want to use bubble wrap. Any dick breakage during the move may result in deep sorrow. Broke a few dicks myself during my last move—dicks passed down through generations—and let me tell you, it was awful.
why girl fart is exciting It just really, really is.
Women doing it to me Clearly, someone who hasn't yet figured out that the internet is not a magic hat. "Oh, oh—I know! Look up naked pictures of me with Jamie Lee Curtis on top of Mount Everest!"
dixie cups people say Remember those Dixie cup jokes? Those were fun. Apparently there is a whole society of folks who just speak in "Dixie cup tongue." I can only imagine and prefer not to, much like Bartleby.
rash between your legs from your rather lousy bowling score. Bowl better, feel better.
CAN i see sexy womens NO, you may nots.
can i bleach my hair with comet? Please don't do that.
you're always on my mind and i just want you back You had your chance, clowndog.
pictures of active women doing yard work I have a picture of a couple of sluggish broads in a hammock—will that do? It's outdoors, at least.
SEXY PREVIOUS hopefully isn't anywhere near as sexy as SEXY NEXT.
And from The Boob Files:
margo's boobs I'm afraid you won't find those here anymore. They were once all the rage—people surfed in from all over the globe to gaze upon their sagginess—but they were removed when she threatened to post pictures of my 62 inch penis on her website. Hello Margo darling. Stop reading my journal.
his mom's boobs Moms tend to have boobs; it's this crazy thing they do.
my boob itches It's a sign of genius.
stepsister has big boobs and has to lug them around for the rest of her life, so give her a fucking break and try not to be a hormone-infested little monkey.
sister boyfriend boob I'm just guessing this probably isn't some nun's name. "Hello class, I'm Sister Boyfriend Boob, here today stepping in for Sister Agnes who is sick with a cold."
women with little boobs You found me!
liking girl boob Probably best not to put this on your resume.
let me kiss some boobs I really don't want to see the glass on this guy's computer monitor.
Why don't boys have boobs? Just unlucky, I guess.
buttercup boob Just the one, dear?
read my boobs Boobs: the tarot cards of today.
Quote From My World
"I'd never let anything happen to myself."
"You better not, because I would pelt you with really heavy fruit."
Well, I'm off to smell my money. I don't much like the smell of money, but I won $23 in a wig-tossing contest yesterday (three years in a row!) and I'm kind of proud of that. I don't know what pride has to do with smelling money, though. Try not to think about it. Thanks for reading.
Linda
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