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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, sassy biscuits.
I Am Your Sexy Aunt 06-July-2005 7:36 p.m.
Some days everything hurts. Thinking about all those years that have walked away like indifferent lovers as they shrug off my desire to keep them around—that's what aches today. I just want to go back, but then I know I really don't want that. What I want is to move forward knowing that what will come will be enough. I am still holding on to the fear that what I want might never show up.
Which makes sense, considering I have no idea what the future holds. It also serves no real purpose other than to hold me back. And the thing is, I would miss out on tons of opportunities staying right here, lingering. Sure, maybe the opportunities won't exactly match what's in my head, but whose life ever turned out exactly the way they planned? Life often has other ideas. Doesn't mean you can't go where you want to go; sometimes you just arrive a little later than you hoped, but you're still you when you get there, and often (hopefully) wiser than you were before.
I've grown bored with counting the days, counting the years, keeping track and arranging everything into neat little rows, all tied with twine and placed carefully in a huge old hatbox. I focus too much on what's gone. Time rolls by into God's pocket and we don't get it back. Nothing can be changed back there; trying to change the past is like trying to reach into a photograph to move the hair out of someone's eyes, or tickle them until they smile.
I get it, but don't always remember. I am in this constant process of reminding myself about the truth of certain things, because every day at least a hundred times or more I get pulled down by my own thoughts. I pull myself out for a while until the next round of tug-of-war begins.
I have been feeling sorry for myself, an activity that has been given a bad rap, if you ask me. I spend time feeling sorry for others so why not myself? I do in fact have moments where I ask, "Why me?" It's been nine years that I have suffered with pain—you bet your sweet rat I've asked that question. When it's happening to you, how the hell can it not make you wonder sometimes? For years I feared I had done something horrible to deserve it, though I couldn't recall what that might be. Then I wondered if maybe in a past life I had been a Nazi or something equally as abominable to deserve this affliction, this thing that set me on an alternative route that still often feels isolating and awkward. You'd have to be some kind of saint never to wonder why.
But I don't spend too much time wondering. Most of the time I focus on moving forward, even though it can seem pretty scary. I realized why I haven't been able to daydream much lately. One of my favourite things in this world is to daydream about the future. But I feel I am closer to the future than ever—does that make sense? It's hard to explain. It's like something is gaining on me and soon I'll be face to face with this place I always wanted to go to but I may not fit in there; I could get there and find that maybe you need a ticket to get in, maybe a secret password. Or maybe it's who you know and I'll find out everyone's a stranger. I don't know. I just feel anxious about where I want to be, and sorry for where I haven't been, and weary for where I have. I'm afraid that if I get a taste of something I want, it will fill my soul with everything I have longed for, and then it will go away again and I'll be standing there without it.
I can give you an example of what I mean by that. I have had days where I've had no pain at all. For two weeks in 1999 I was without discomfort. It was amazing. I felt free for the first time in years. And then the pain came back. It was devastating because I thought it was finally gone. Yet at the same time I was grateful for the glimpse of what I am obviously capable of feeling.
I just truly realized yesterday while talking with my hypnotherapist that I may very well be unintentionally keeping myself from feeling better because of the fear of having the good feelings disappear—the fear of ending up right back here again. He thought it sounded better to have the good stuff even if it didn't last than to never have it at all. I explained that by not having it, I get farther and farther away from knowing what I'm missing, and in that way it sort of makes it easier.
I had to make the decision to be brave enough to move forward and experience everything I want to experience, even if it ends up to be fleeting. There are no guarantees. I don't want to be like the person who never loves because they once had their heart broken. I want to be the person who is brave enough to move forward into everything unknown, which is actually every single day, every single moment. Tomorrow is as big a mystery as ten years from now. They are all unknown until we live them.
Here's some stuff that somehow brought people here. Enjoy.
thighs rubbing together in skirt rash This sounds like a news headline to me, a disaster you'd read about while sipping your morning coffee. Similar to "Three die tragically in restaurant fire."
my cats drags her bum o translates into "I have a big mess to clean up."
sexy women for intercourse First it was grocery shopping online, now this. Another reason to never have to leave the house again.
unknown sexy women Hoping to discover sexy women and claim your fortune? They're flitting about all over town. You'll know them by the paper bag they wear over their sexy heads.
are dentures sexy? Not usually when they're in a glass on your bedside table, no. In your mouth, perhaps. Be yourself—that's sexy.
How does a sexy woman look like? Very carefully.
calphalon kittens If you're looking for professional quality kittens, these are your best bet. And their hard-anodized aluminum construction makes them so much easier to care for.
sexy aunt I've been getting so many hits for this that I thought I would just admit it: I am your sexy aunt. Be a darling and fetch me a cupcake.
how to tell my wife she has cellulite Listen fucktoast, every woman on this planet has cellulite in varying amounts. Stop watching those ridiculous soft porn movies on Showtime late at night and remember the reason you married her: because you love her. She'll be the same woman to put up with your potbelly, your sagging ass, your middle age crisis, your grouchy attitude, etc.
penis is my favourite flavour I totally don't want to eat at this person's house.
pooped my knickers stories Yet another guy who's crapped his trousers at work and wants to know he's not the only one. (Ladies never crap their trousers.)
fannie flagg skirt All the rage this season. Goes really well with the Dody Goodman shawl and the Bea Arthur pumps.
water and the sexy women The original title of Beaches.
worrying about erections I think you'll find that erections aren't really prone to running out into the street, driving recklessly, or picking fights with scary people in bars. Sometimes they stay out all night, but if you're really concerned, you could always get your erection a cell phone so at least you'll know where it is.
midget and velcro and vegas It doesn't matter how much time goes by, someone is always trying to imitate my act.
And from The Mammary Gland Files:
boobs by magic Well, it's one "trusted" way of obtaining some knockers.
tense boobs This is what happens when too many catty women are in the same room together.
long face boobs Like everyone, boobs get sad sometimes. Cheer up, boobs.
tits yard You know how a baker's dozen is 13 instead of twelve? A tit's yard is 37 inches instead of the standard thirty-six.
mom's sweater tits are probably in the kitchen with mom, making dinner for your perverted little ass.
satanic breasts are going to haunt you in your dreams and feed your soul to the wolves of hell if you don't stop Googling pervy shit about your family members.
why does my boob hurt? Its shoe is too tight.
birds with boobs out There are just too many birds watching MTV these days.
my boobs blog makes my journal look like an ass.
How to use my boobs Well, if you're like a lot of ladies these days, you'll get a tube top to really draw attention to them. But before you do that, sell your brain on eBay while it still works. You can use the money to buy more tube tops and other boob-accentuating garb.
Quote From My World
"Remember how she danced during the opening sequence? She can really move."
"She rubs. I mean rocks! She rocks."
Well, I'm off to sweep the floor. After that I usually like to sign autographs. Thanks for reading.
Linda
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