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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, twinkle-boobs.
Beautiful Things 24-December-2005
I felt beautiful yesterday. That doesn't happen very often. I have moments, but not usually entire days. I guess I would be a freak to say I didn't enjoy. I did. Lately I have this whole self-acceptance thing going. I recently decided that I have bored myself long enough with all of the self-loathing thoughts and realized it is possible to see myself more clearly. I exaggerate about myself when it comes to what I deem unfortunate, but when it comes to my good points—and there are plenty more of those than "bad" points—I stuff them in my pocket under a pack of gum and some lip balm. I don't spend much time praising myself. I praise others but leave myself out.
It is said that you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself. I don't agree with that, but did in the past repeat those words to friends before spending ages examining that idea. When I looked at it clearly, I saw that you can indeed love someone when you don't feel love for yourself. But you love them better when you do. Not just in the way of giving of yourself to a greater degree, but in the way of truly experiencing the love you give and receive. It intensifies, and you get in touch with the gratitude that comes with having such immense love within you and all around you. And that comes from being in touch with the most important love we have in this life: the love of ourselves. Without it, the beauty and magnitude of the love we feel for others will not be entirely realized.
I am getting there, slowly but surely. It serves no one to speak out against myself, to focus on the aspects that I believe are unfit for presentation, all the while damning myself to some certain hell. The focusing part is a wise choice as long as judgment is kept out of the picture. Judgment keeps you stuck. It will absolutely thicken the air and stifle any moment into which it is invited. Pay attention to your body and your mood the next time you judge someone, including yourself. It's a shitty feeling.
In place of staring at what I don't like and being angry at myself for it, I try to remember to remind myself to see what needs change, to assess the situation and ask what I can do. I have been aware of what doesn't please me for ages but hadn't thought to accept it. In acceptance there is a calmness where you can see things as they are. It is difficult to take action and make changes when you are busy fighting the current reality.
This self-acceptance thing takes work, but its rewards are immense. My thoughts about myself are more compassionate, and the harsh ones that slip past the guard are not as biting. You have to want to change, you really do. It won't just happen without you and without work. It happens slowly over a long period of time. None of this stuff comes easily and without effort. When I think about how long it took to form the shitty beliefs about myself, it makes perfect sense that it wouldn't change overnight.
It is easy to be lazy about your thoughts, to forget that it only takes a second to change your mind and your perspective. You can change your reaction to anything in an instant by remembering that you have a choice. I have a hard time with that; I am accustomed to reacting in certain ways to a vast assortment of situations. But sometimes I am on top of my thoughts and catch myself and it changes things for the better in that moment, which bleeds into the next moment and the next. We shape our world, and this process begins with thought. It can be molded into any shape we want. Nothing is stagnant. Life is forever supportive of change—it thrives on it.
So, yesterday while out amongst the crowds of holiday shoppers, there I was, feeling beautiful. I made the choice to feel that way, in every possible aspect of that experience. Sometimes I make it there, where I strongly and firmly state what I will experience. And sometimes I don't. That I get there at all is what matters. The possibility is ever present, I have only to make the choice.
We are not our flaws. We are not our actions or our choices. We are not our bodies, our possessions, our moods, or our desires. We are the ones watching ourselves work and play, love and desire, cry and complain, laugh and celebrate, mourn and comfort, oppress and support, etc. We are the quiet observers—that's who we truly are. At the same time we are responsible for our actions. And if we are responsible for that, then we are responsible for our thoughts as well.
We tend to willingly praise children, sensing how much they need it. But we never stop needing it, no matter how old we get. Most of us know the reward of paying a genuine compliment to a stranger and witnessing how it brightens their day. Everyone needs that. And it seems the most important praise we receive is that which we get from ourselves. The willingness to refrain from judgment, to see ourselves as being worthy of understanding and compassion in spite of our flaws—that takes grace and acceptance. Every one of us deserves that.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Remember that you can change anything you want to change. Remind yourself that you are beautiful in spite of your flaws. Remember that the only opinion of you that actually means something and holds water is yours. Remember who you are.
Quote From My World
"I have a confession. I had a sausage McMuffin with egg for breakfast, because it's almost Christmas... Jesus told me I could."
-My Love
I wish you and everyone you care about a very warm, scubby, delightful holiday. Thank you for swinging by to read this.
Linda
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