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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, funbuns.
Silence 24-February-2006
Ah, the delicious bliss of a good family drama. There is one going on right here under my feet, in front of my face, behind my back, etc. Good stuff. But where's the guy selling hot dogs and chunky paper vats of beer? They should have that stuff readily available for these types of events.
This sort of thing makes me tired. It screws with my head. Last night when I was out I felt like the ugliest girl in the world—an old belief I thought I had shed. Turns out it is still intact and more than willing to be of service; it simply needed a generous lack of kindness from The Family Skinless Wienie to bring it to the surface. Leave it to family to unearth old merciless feelings you would rather leave in the dirt.
I have spent a considerable amount of time drilling into my own head that nothing is personal. And I finally get it now. Whether you love me or hate me, it has nothing to do with me; it's your perception of me. Maybe you like the way I talk or I remind you of this cousin you adored who died from a fall from a Ferris wheel. Maybe I make you laugh. Or maybe you just feel good around me because I don't interrupt you when you're talking, or you agree with most of my points of view. Perhaps it's the kindness you see in my eyes or the fact that I am a redhead, because you've always had a thing for redheads. Or it could be what you think I might do for you, or the conversations we share, which you never want to end.
Or maybe you hate that I don't agree with your politics, or that I chew my chocolate ice cream. Maybe my face disgusts you because I look like that one girl you never could stand in high school. Perhaps my quiet demeanor makes you uncomfortable and leaves you to wonder what I am thinking. Maybe you think I am oversensitive and this bugs the hell out of you and makes you feel like an ogre, or you don't like me because of the usual look on my face, the one you've interpreted to declare that I am better than you.
Either way, it has nothing to do with me. We like, dislike, love and hate based on what is inside our own hearts and heads. You cannot get into another person's head or heart and change what they believe about you. They have to do that on their own.
Unfortunately, we don't always know this as kids. And while it may seem easy to look back at past indignities and attach this truth to them from where we are in the present, what those old beliefs did to us and how they shaped us remains. And then you have a whole renovation of who and what you are, which needs to be set into motion if you are ever to be free of this outmoded, aching part of you that believed the garbage bestowed upon you by someone else.
It is hard to remember not to take personally that which is said and done to us by family and close friends. It is far easier to blow off the rudeness of strangers, remembering that it's nothing personal. I still go back and forth with everything that has been said about me over the last 25+ years by someone who doesn't know me at all. This is someone who is apparently so precious and treasured that it was more important to disregard and silence the needs and feelings of the people on the receiving end of his cruelty than it was to call him on his shit. He could have been stopped in his tracks, but he wasn't. Too many pleas to refrain from rocking the boat. "Don't say anything!" If I had a quarter for every time I heard that...
I formed false beliefs about myself when I was very young based on the behaviour of someone who is reckless with his words and actions. And now I am chipping away at that bullshit and attempting to believe what is true about me. And I have struggled as I write this because all I want to do is type a bunch of angry words and yell and scream and call you on the phone and tell you what a fucking moron you are and how I never want to see you again, but I guess without getting too messy or passionate I just did tell you that. It's nothing personal, though; I just don't enjoy when people treat me like I'm worthless, or yell in my face when I try to ask them why they've been heartless to me for so long, or even at all. Go cry in your cheap blackberry liqueur over the fact that I never called you back that time. I will never call you back. But don't let it bunch your knickers.
I wrote a song called "Silence" back in '93, which was emotionally painful to write. I know what I started writing it about and always figured that was what fueled its completion. But about a month ago I was out for a walk one evening and decided to listen to that song on my iPod, as it had been ages since I'd heard it. And as I was listening I kept asking myself, What the hell did I write this about??? I was aware of the issue that initially inspired the song, which had to do with me shutting the fuck up, being encouraged to hide a part of myself, but there was another issue bearing a similar result that bled heavily into the song, and I could feel it but wasn't able to make it out at the time. And there it is, so clear and so loud: more than 25 years of hands over mouths so as not to disturb the one who should have been silenced all along.
Silence ©1993 Linda Escaip
Maybe my silence is better than words To apprehend all the things that I've heard And some say that silence is golden in measure When there are no easy words to be found Maybe my silence is my only sound.
And pray there's a message here for no one And beg for the morning sun to rise (It will rise, it will rise) After burning bridges below you Is this all you're left to regret? Maybe my silence is all you'll forget.
(CHORUS) Choose between the wheel that turns you And the fire that burns you up I could be the thread I could be the flame But now I am the one Who holds you over the glow Of all that you've done.
Maybe my silence unravels in pain With every word it has harboured in vain And some say that silence is louder than thunder A venomous beast as it bites at the tongue Maybe my silence is coming undone.
And pray there's a message here among you You'll reap just as much as you can sow (You will know, you will know) After burning bridges below you This is all you're left to regret And it's my silence you'll never forget.
chorus
Quote From My World
"I think she's going to track pee all over the house no matter what we do."
"You know what I think we should do? We should get party hats."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
Well, I'm off to walk beneath the stars and dream about leaving stuff behind. Thanks for reading.
Linda
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