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© 2004-2008 Linda Escaip
"I may be grumpy, but I like you."
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The Suns and Moons of the Grumpiest Girl in the Room.
Welcome to my journal, bellyknocker.
Read This First 09-March-2006 6:40 p.m.
I like meeting new people. I really do. This whole blog thing has been great in that way, as well as being great in many other ways. But I have noticed something, and it's that some people let it bunch their knickers if you write something that wrestles with some belief they're attached to, or something they have no tolerance for, or whatever.
When I meet new people that I find delightful and start getting to know them, I am kind of secretly hoping we'll get into a beef soon into it, so I can get a feel for what they're like when they're all fired up. (I don't get into the habit of discussing politics with people, because I decided early on that dying of boredom didn't quite sound like unshackled enjoyment to me.) Getting along and having a fabulous time is one thing, but getting into a row with someone often shows me more of their character, because we all have that way of being on our best behaviour when we're getting to know someone, only wanting them to see our shiniest parts. How do they act when I say something they don't agree with? Or when I don't agree with them? Do they lose all sense of kindness? Do they disregard me or start acting differently toward me? Do they forget they liked me at all?
I am not good at pandering. In fact, it makes me feel like an imposter inside my own body. I want to be myself at all times, and this includes saying what I feel, and sharing parts of myself that might be considered disconcerting or unsightly to someone else. Parts that may twist their beliefs, whether personal or religious, to the point where they feel turned off by me completely. But I can only be who I am, because that's what I've got. And since my intentions are of the honest variety, I don't see why that should be a problem. I am not out to hurt anyone, either here or there.
I like to know this stuff up front. Who wants to be sinking deeper into a friendship with someone, really enjoying it, only to have them spontaneously combust because you told them you think some performer they really love is a poser, or that you eat meat and aren't opposed to buying leather goods, while they're strictly vegan? I don't hide assorted parts of myself from my friends. If you're enjoying this journal because I say everything the way you'd like it said, or because you think I'm right up your alley, how would you feel about reading it if you read something that caught you off-guard and totally rubbed you the wrong way? Would we break up?
Back before I had my own blog, I was reading the blog of a woman I found most intriguing. Not only is she a brilliant writer, she is fascinating beyond comprehension. She was a former something or other, and while I was OK with that since it was in the past, it bunched my knickers the day I read she'd started that up again, because it broke my heart thinking of her that way. And I stopped reading her blog. Some weeks later I asked myself what kind of special, precious asshole was I that I couldn't allow someone to make their own choices and be who they are? And I resumed reading her remarkable words.
There will likely be something I write at some point (or may have already written) that will not be someone else's dream come true. Maybe you won't like the fact that I think George W. Bush is a supreme moron, or that I think it's morbidly sad how many women gauge their own beauty by the number of men who look at them lasciviously in a day. Maybe you'll be disgusted when you read that I believe monogamy is unnatural, despite the fact that you will also read that I know from experience it can be a lovely thing, and that I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I simply believe it is an unnatural state, more difficult for some than for others. Perhaps you will wish me into the cornfield when you learn that I am more attracted to women than I am to men. If you panic over the labels you affix to other people, this might be so.
I am becoming who I am, so I won't be bowdlerizing myself to accommodate someone else's comfort zone. No one should do that. It is so important to be who you are, to become what you are. Shakespeare forever knew what he was talking about, but he was especially onto something when he wrote, "This above all: to thine own self be true."
Quote From My World
"Your breath smells like poetry."
Well, I'm off to rewrite my future. Thanks for reading.
Linda
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